Hope

don't ever lose it.

Be still

Losing someone you love.

I don't think I have every, really really, experienced it. My dads dad died before I was born. My moms mom, died before I was born. in vietnam, moms mom, and dads mom arent simply called grandma. they have specific names. i was never really good at remembering the different words. whatever. She died when my mom was young. My dads mom, from what i can remember had Alzheimer. She couldn't do anything by herself. i remember feeding her once when i was younger. My moms dad, well, i don't recollect any memories of him. when we left vietnam, i dont remember feeling sad, or happy, or any emotion for that matter. i was a little too young to perceive the fact that i was going to leave for a very very long time. we went back to visit five years later. That was when i found out my grandfather, my moms dad, my ông ngoại, also had Alzheimer. I remember her saying, in vietnamese of course, "Dad, it's me, Soat, your daughter. Do you remember me?" And he stared at her, and shook his head. and thats where my heart sank. I was young and naive, and thought to myself. How can not remember your own daughter?? I didnt know much about Alzheimer back then. Still don't. I was mad at him then. I wish he were still alive to tell me war stories and life in vietnam way back when. I'm jealous of people who have grandparents. so can i borrow yours?

but back to my subject. losing someone you love. i dont remember the feeling of love towards them (grandparents). i didnt know them you know? so when they passed away. i had no emotion, from what i remember at least. when my moms dad, the last of the grandparents, passed away. I remember everything. it was back when i was in 8th grade i think. we got a call in the middle of the night. i remember walking out to the living room, and there was my mom. crying. did i ever mention how much i HATE it when my mom cries? but yeah. so i just sat there, crying with her. i guess thats my only memory of losing someone i love. but i didnt know him. so did i love him? i guess so. i hope so? sorry if any of that didnt make sense. i was typing what i was thinking.

Talking about death can seem unreal sometimes. Death actually happening to someone you know, someone you truly, sincerely, love to the fullest of your heart, now thats hard.

Losing someone you love.

there are no words .

So many notes. . books . . poems all offered with genuine, hopeless chagrin: There are no words, yet we still seek to find them.

James, I will keep you in my prayers, ALWAYS. And here i thought, how can i love someone i barely knew? well sir, you proved me wrong.

As dumb as this may sound, i don't want to mourn for you. I want to rejoice with you.

Why do we cry?
We have not lost him.
He hasnt left us, he's where he belongs.
So anytime you're mad,
Anytime youre sad.
Anytime you're heart breaks.
Just close you're eyes.
And he'll be there. . with you.
Because you see,
The world may have taken his body.
But thats ALL it can do.
When Jesus died upon the cross.
He took away all of our sins.
He conquered death, so we can live
in heaven where life begins.
Dont ever stop the memories
of the times you have shared with him.
It's Gods way to help you through,
Take time to laugh when life gets hard.
Take time to listen.
Take time to rejoice
He has not left us, he is still here.
Now smile for him.
Share time with close ones.
Keep your head up high.
Live life to the fullest.
Find grace.
Find peace in your life.
And always, always remember that you are never alone.
just close your eyes . . . .
be still.
be strong. I know you're strong. You made me strong.

lucky im in love with my best friend

Good thing i take pictures. On July 6th, andrew and i went to the angels game. It was family sunday, so tickets for the lower view mvp section were like, 5 buckaroos. of course there are other dumb fees that comes along with it. Next time we go, i will pack like a big big big picnic basket, with a ton of food. . and sell it for cheaper than the ridiculous prices they have there. yeah. thats right.

my guitar string snapped. the d string. on the classical guitar. i probably have some extra lying around here somewhere. i still cant find my tuner though. man. i need to clean up this place.

go to sleep, you stunning sky

INCONSISTENCY, still my forte.
but it's all good.

I would update on whats happened so far, but i don't remember. It's been fun. A little boring at times, but i shouldn't complain.

I'm not sure why, but i started googling salaries for different jobs. I'm usually not the one to care much about making "da dough". I was just curious i guess.

"According to the Employment Development Department, the average annual elementary school teachers salary is $48,850 in California.

The starting salary for elementary school teachers range from $32,000 to over $35,000. The middle range salary is from $48,000 to over $57,000. The most experienced teachers salary range from $55,000 to over $70,000."- Fresnohub

When I first realized how passionate i was about teaching, truth be told, i was a little scared. well, a lotta scared. Im thinking, how will my parents, my relative, react to it? will they approve? will they support me? Because im sure that everybody knows, that a teachers salary will pay. . . half the bill. It's a shame though.

something just popped in my head(i spelled pooped instead of popped at first. good thing i caught it)

"those who can, do. those who can't, teach."

what a dumb phrase. what does it mean? what could it mean?? the more i thought about it, the more foolish. . .asinine... it became.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Of all the quotes, of all the phrases, of all the analogies and one liner, why is it the most difficult to understand?

What is it about this saying, that makes absolutely no sense, yet is used so often?

I mean, i truly believe that if you can teach it, you can do it. I believe that those who teach, CAN do. Why would you teach something you can't do?

If I can't add, if I can't write, if i can't read, if I CAN'T, then why would i teach it?

Anyways, where was i? A teachers salary, right. I know that money is important factor when it comes to, well, simply living. But all I really want in life is to make my family happy. I don't need a big house, i don't need a shiny car, i don't need money to make me happy. yes i know i sound cliche. shut up. i have things that i want, and things that i need. and sometimes, i want the things that i want, more than the things that i need. But i want to learn to want the things i need, more than the things i want. did that make any sense? no se. whatever.

I know i'm still young. i know i have many years ahead of me. But the more that i think about it, the more i have realized how little i need in the ways of money. i think im at the point, in my 19 years and 7 months of life, where money doesnt really matter. I want to teach. I'll be poor, whatever. It's not like its an admirable decision im making here, more of a lifestyle choice from a privileged individual. I feel like im doing the right thing. it feels right. and thats good.

I want to be there the week before school starts to decorate the room. i want to come early in the morning to make copies in the teachers lounge. i want to prepare for back to school night, filling the room with colorful works of art, book reports, little plants growing in cups on the counter, crafts hanging from the ceiling. I can't wait to meet my students. I can't wait to fill their minds with a torrent of wonderful words, familiar and unfamiliar. I can't wait to fill their minds with beautiful and sweet stories. I can't wait to see the smile on their face when they understand something. I can't wait to ref a dodge ball game. I cant wait.

I should head to bed. my back is starting to hurt. sorry for all the typos. i dont want to read right now.